Rant

[Topazuke]

I’m not sure why I’m posting here I just need to talk. I constantly search for meaning yet know there is truly no meaning. So whats the obvious answer. To make my own meaning of course. But I can’t decide what to make my life into. I’m too nervous to get things right to start anything. I know I have to at least try something to see what works and what doesn’t, but it feels like I can’t. Will I ever accomplish the things I know I can? Only I can decide that, but that’s a horrible feel.

Duality of man rings very true to me. I feel like I live in a constant state of good vs evil inside of me. I want the good to win. I feel myself getting healthier, but I’ve felt similar things before. And those feelings have been utterly destroyed before as well.

I’m a loner but love the company of others. I am artistic, but can’t do it well. I’m a polymath who can’t figure out what to do. Intelligent yet foolish. Compassionate to a fault yet selfish. Emotional yet logical. All these but never a happy inbetween. I’m trying to learn that inbetween but it’s difficult.

Not asking for advice or insight but it isn’t discouraged.

[Beware]

Close your eyes for a while and understand that all things take time.
The professional pianist has spent well over ten thousand hours to play at his level of expertise.
If you spent ten thousand hours focused on improving at anything, you will succeed.
Get a ball rolling.
Begin with meditation.
One minute, if you can tolerate, is enough to begin.
The next time, do two.